“Tell your mom I’m picking you up at six.” “Ask your dad if he paid the activity fee.” These requests may seem harmless, particularly when communication between co-parents is strained. Over time, however, repeatedly treating children as messengers can place them directly in the middle of adult disagreements.
Thankfully, a parenting plan with a clear “messenger” provision may help co-parents to establish healthier boundaries.
What is a messenger provision, and why might it be helpful?
A messenger provision within a parenting plan can state that parents must communicate directly with each other about parenting matters rather than asking their children to relay information. Depending on a family’s needs, the plan might specify communication through text, email or a co-parenting application. It can also establish expectations for sharing information about schedule changes, school activities, medical appointments and other important matters.
Why might crafting an enforceable messenger provision matter? Children can experience unnecessary pressure when they become responsible for delivering messages between households. A child may worry that the receiving parent will become angry or may feel responsible when a request is denied. Children can also misunderstand, forget or unintentionally change information, creating additional conflict.
Children should not be asked to collect child support, question a parent about expenses, negotiate parenting-time changes or deliver criticism. Likewise, parents should avoid asking children to report extensively on what happens in the other household. These behaviors can create loyalty conflicts and make children feel as though they must choose sides.
Inclusion of a messenger provision in a parenting plan draft or modification does not mean that children can never share ordinary information. A teenager mentioning an upcoming practice is very different from being responsible for negotiating transportation arrangements. The goal is to keep responsibility for co-parenting where it belongs: with the adults.